just make the entire table out of coaster
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Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
there has never been a better use of this meme
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar