[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
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My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*