I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
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I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
The days of good grammer has went
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.