[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
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Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth