Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
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I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it