After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
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Cats (2019)
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Mmmm canned fish.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.