Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
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Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?