Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
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[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?