Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
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[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
men, we mow at sunrise.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.