How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
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Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.