*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
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Me irl
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.