“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg