When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
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HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.