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*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.