I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
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Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Just got to our Airbnb!
New tinder profile pic
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
How dude HOW?!
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.