Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
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*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.