Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
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Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars