I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
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Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans