I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
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[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Imma just leave this here…………
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”