replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
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They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.