I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
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* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
what do you want!!!!!!!!
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
What in the hipster hell is going on here