Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
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[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”