Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
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Ain’t no way
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
live long and prosper!
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
get you a girl who