People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
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Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.