I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
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I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.