Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
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Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.