Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
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*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better