Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
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Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.