8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
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Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
english majors be like furthermore
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I hope they boil the right one.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑