Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
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[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.