A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
You Might Also Like
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*