*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
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texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
guys i’ve cracked the code
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
nice challenge