I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
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I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Am I having a stroke?
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.