neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
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C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Jail
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog