This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
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Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.