My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
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Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Barbie gone wild
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.