date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
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HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole