[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
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pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.