If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
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It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.