A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
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Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I camp so other people don’t have to.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.