21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
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keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Y’all know who you are.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Canadian owl: Eh?
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.