I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
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This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.