Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
You Might Also Like
How high do the levels go?
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Confused owl: What?!
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair