“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
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I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
There are no pants in heaven.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
#Caturday
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”