I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
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GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.