Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
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[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
what day is it?
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.