*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
You Might Also Like
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back