A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
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The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I never know how much to tip a cow.