COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
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If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Dietest Coke
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Awesome parenting 😂
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol