Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
In space, no one can hear…
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am